I’m not at work.
Normally, I should be at work right now, but I was given 3 days of medical leave. Last Tuesday, I was on my way to work when I got a flat tire. Just as fate would have it, this was the one day when my wife wasn’t at home. She had spent the night at her mom’s house, because they had some stuff to do in the morning, so there was no one I could call at home. I called off work and began walking the 4.77 miles to get home. Have you ever walked 4.77 miles? Don’t listen to the propaganda out there. There are a lot of people that say “Sure, walking 4.77 miles is fun! I do it all the time. See, I’ll do it right now.” Don’t listen to these people. Chances are that anyone that says they like walking 4.77 miles has a small parasitic alien attached to the base of their skull feeding off the pain receptors in their brain. Walking 4.77 miles actually sucks pretty bad, despite what the pod-people might tell you.
Anyway, in the process of trying to get home, I ended up developing an abscess under my left armpit. I’ve had similar things before. Never quite this big, and they’ve always gone away in time. This was huge. And it hurt. I was prepared to deal with it. I was expecting it to last a few days and go away. I was half right. It lasted a few days, but no signs of it going away. It took me getting to the point of not being able to move my arm without being nearly reduced to tears due to pain. That’s when I decided to go to the doctor.
We went to St. Mary Mercy Hospital because Toby had spent the night with his grandma the night before so we could go to a friend’s birthday party the night before. (which I may or may not write about next) I had to drive because my wife doesn’t know how to drive a stick. (which is what my car is.) The doctor scolded me for not coming in sooner, and said she would need to drain it. Which she did.
Let me tell you… I would’ve given anything to have one of those walking-type people stop by and lend me their parasitic alien for a bit.
Needless to say, it was painful. The nurse says that she must have given me some sort of anesthetic, but I don’t really think she did. If she did, I say we do an audit of that drug company, because someone is seriously skimping on the stuff that deadens the pain. I kept my cool. I knew that it wasn’t wise to piss off the woman squeezing and poking needles into a very sore spot on my body. I was tempted, but I held my tongue. (also known as being incapable of speech) She would keep saying, “Ok, I’m done, I’m done now.” and then keep going. I wanted to scream “You fucking liar! You’re not done. You know you’re not done. If you were done, you wouldn’t keep… ow… doing… ow… ahh… ow… this.”
She had to leave some gauze packed into the hole so it would keep draining, and gave me a referral to go to a surgeon the next day to remove the gauze and take care of it the rest of the way. I was given my work release, a prescription for some antibiotics and Vicodin and sent on my way. The next day I tried to set up the appointment with the surgeon she referred me to, but he was out of town(?) and wouldn’t be able to see me for 2 days, so Amanda got me an appointment with a different doctor for the next day.
The next day came, we dropped Toby off at his grandma’s again, and borrowed her van in case I wouldn’t be able to drive. We went to the doctor’s office, I checked in, I filled out my complete medical history, (Again! You know, for once, I’d like these doctors to communicate with each other so I don’t have to keep remembering the surgery I had when I was 6 every time I go to a doctor.) and we waited for the doctor to get there. A half hour later, they called me in. I took off my shirt. He took a pair of tweezers and yanked the gauze out while a nurse put fresh covering over it. This was nothing that I wouldn’t have been able to do on my own. I guess that’s why he gets paid the big bucks. (my big bucks.)
So, I’m mostly better now. I have to go back to work tomorrow night, and I have a few Vicodin left. Let this be a lesson. Always make sure you have a spare tire in your car, unless you have a starving parasitic alien sucking on your neck. In which case, do whatever you want.
