Okay, I didn’t write anything last night and now this day is already a good portion over with. I didn’t really do all that much this weekend. I was really bored. I drove around a lot. I love the streets of Garden City at night going 25 miles an hour. It’s just so relaxing to crank up my heat, crank up my radio, and light a cigarette.
Well I thought I was going to be bored for a bit longer, but John just called me. Off to adventure, or not. I will post later.
Last night was great. I think my nights have been getting progressively better the past week. That’s cool. Big news yesterday. There were 3 other people who were supposed to get the axe next month at my work. Well, it turns out that they fucked up and now Will and Casey’s last day is today. This is going to suck. Will is a receiver (does the same job I do) and Casey receives for part of the day. This means that Monday we’re going to have two new people who have no idea what to do, and I’m going to be busy as fuck trying to keep up.
Today is going to be bad enough. Will has been saying since we found out about this “Hey, my last day, I ain’t doing shit” I better be pumped up today, otherwise I’m not going to make it. I wonder if I can call in sick. I have other things I would rather be doing anyway. This whole thing has just made me all the more aware of my pending unemployment. Anyone out there know of any good jobs?
I also just got my HazMet certificate. Since somewhere in the company, there is a division that ships batteries and air bag ejectors, we are all required to take a hazardous materials course. (this was back on 9-11-2002) I aced the test. I was the very first one done by a long shot, then again, I’ve always been a fast test taker.
I didn’t have any plans last night, so I went straight home. I messed around on the computer for a while, and was gearing up to just spend a night at home for once. I’ve earned it. I got a hold of Ger. I’ve been wanting to talk to Ger for a while now, but I could never catch him online. (I only got his AIM name the other day) Well I finally caught him, turns out he was planning on going up to Denny’s. I had just been there the night before, and I try not to go every night, but I figured “Why not?” This is pretty much where my adventure begins.
First I see Raychel and Mike as they are leaving. I walk in the building and see Andrew and Alicia (from LJS) I sit down with them and talk. Karen sees me, but doesn’t say anything yet. I want my job back. If only I could figure out how to get paid under the table, claim my unemployment, and work like 12 hours a week for a month or two. (If I worked full time I wouldn’t leave, and I only want to go back to work for fun)
Next, I head further in the back and see Andy and Ben. I sit down and talk to them for a while. Phil sees me from the other section, and comes over to talk. Phil was one of the few “new” friends I made this past year. He was part of the circle I experienced over the Summer. (The one revolving Jyl) We talked for a little bit, and he went back to where he was sitting.
I’ve now been here for quite a while and Karen hasn’t brought me a coffee yet. Granted, I’m a drifter at this point, and she probably thought I had already been helped, but I wanted a coffee. So I go over to the bar area. I’ll get a coffee there. I sit down next to Phil and Amanda (New Person) I start talking to them and I get a coffee, so I’m happy now. Andy and Ben come over and sit at the bar. I do triple duty, talking to those on my left, talking to those on my right, and talking to myself.
Andy and Ben leave and eventually, Ger shows up. He got pulled over. He just got his license and he’s already getting pulled over. I have no idea how he drives, but I’m willing to guess its a tad on the reckless side.We decided that we needed to move to a table, because Ger was getting sick of looking at my back. We headed back across Denny’s to the back again. We didn’t quite make it. Andrew and Alicia were still there and Amanda knew their friend, so we all pretty much stopped at that table.
I had to pay for my food before I got lost in the restaurant. We went back to the table that Ben and Andy were at, and the same table I was at the night before. We sat around and talked for I have no idea how much longer. I had a really good time. At about 4, however, it was time to go. I went home and got to sleep as soon as I can (I had just been drinking coffee all night)
I woke up, and I’ve been writing. Tonight I intend to give City Club yet another shot. The last time I went it was just me and Andy. (The time before it was just me) It’s time to go again. It beats the hell out of Club Divine. (The music is way better at least.) (although I actually found CD to be a tad friendlier than CC, but maybe I’ve just had bad experiences)
Remind me to some day talk to Amanda and Becky again. (past two days’ new peoples counter-respectively) I’d like to think that the people I meet are not just a that night things, but I actually see them again. Who knows.
I also need to call up James again. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen him (Devil’s Night) It’s not that I have anything against him or anything, I’ve just been out of touch. (As far as I know he doesn’t have anything against me) I don’t have problems with people. I can’t think of anyone that I don’t think I would be able to be cool with were I to be in the same social situation as them. (The only person that comes to mind currently, I’m working on being able to come to terms with, just because I don’t want to have anyone that I hold things against. I’m working on it.)
Melissa got her new job. Be happy for her. I am fully stocked for the weekend. Be happy for me. Mr. Rodgers died. Be sad for him. Mr. Rodgers’ had a wonderful outlook on life. He was always so open and inviting and positive. When I grow up, I hope to wear a sweater, be a pedophile, and talk to my mailman, puppets, and the train that runs through my house and into a magical world. Who do you think Mr. Rodgers willed all of his great stuff to? I want to be his inheritor. If it mans that I have to be his neighbor first, then so be it.
What’s your stripper name? (female)
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty, right?
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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In case anyone was wondering. I chose all of these quizzes because they were the same ones a friend of mine took. I have a lot in common with her apperantly.
I woke up pretty early today. I was falling asleep at Candice’s house last night. I’ve been fighting this cold and it made me a little tired. Kali wanted to hang out last night, but I had plans with Candice. I left her house at 1 and I knew that Melissa would have till no later that 1:30, so I just went home.
I watched most of “How to lose a guy in 10 days.” It’s not that bad of a movie. I’ll have to finish it up tonight. Larry actually wanted to leave at 10 last night. Usually either Dave or I are willing to lose out on our half hour, but Larry doesn’t want to. I got back to Garden City at about 10:23, which is rather early considering I usually don’t punch out till 10:25. I wanted to stop in and see Melissa real quick, but she wasn’t home. (ironic, she begs me to hang out with her, and then she isn’t even home.)
I still haven’t worked out since Monday. I have to go do that. On my way to work, I was running low on gas. This isn’t cool because I’m broke till my check comes in. I was thinking about how I was going to manage it, when Larry offered to fill up my tank. That was really nice of him. Now I’m pretty much set for gas for a few days. That takes a little bit of stress off me. I’ve been trying to burn to CD some of the movies I have, but they keep messing up at the very end ruining the whole CD.
Raychel just messaged me. See… people need to read the Live Journal entries I haven’t posted yet, that way people wouldn’t ask me questions I haven’t answered yet. Sweet, I now have something to do tonight. That makes me glad. I hate coming home early because I have nothing to do. The phone just rang, but I don’t think it was Melissa. She usually calls me by now. I wonder if she will today?
I was doing so good there for a while. I was staying away from her (a little bit) but then I pretty much lost my will to resist her. It’s hard to do something that you don’t want to do, but feel it’s for the best. I love hanging out with her and being around her, but I know it’s doing me absolutely no good. I’m not really moving on. I tried. I wanted to let her go. I could wait for her till the end of time, and if she ever came back to me, then it would have all been worth it, but if not, then I just wasted my life.
I’m now at the end of time, no better than I am now, and I have nothing to show for it. I’m terrified that if I don’t take drastic action, that’s how I’ll end up. It hurts like a bitch to be with her, but it also brings me joy. The pain sucks, but it’s worth it to see her smile. God I’m fucked up. I feel sorry for anyone that gets involved with me. I need a lot of work. I really have no idea what I’ll be like if I had a girlfriend. I think it would really help for me to get over Kali, but I know it won’t be easy. I’m going to end up really pissing off whoever I’m with.
I don’t think I could ever completely give up being friends with Melissa and I doubt I will ever find a girl that would be okay with that. Who knows? I just did my workout. I need to get on it everyday (or at least as often as I should.) I need to talk to Bluff today. My supplies are running low. I need a cigarette now. “Buy American” - Marilyn Manson (Clone High 102)
I’ve felt like crap the past few days. I really hate whoever got me sick, but since I can’t figure out if my brother or Kali is responsible I’m going to have to spread the blame evenly amongst everybody I meet. So if I see you anytime soon and I sniffle and say “I hate you” then you know why.
I wanted so badly to go home early yesterday. Stevo wasn’t there because someone shot out his back window with a bb gun. (I wonder what he said to Andrea that set him off)
When I went to pick up Larry and Dave. Dave asked me to help him carry his new TV downstairs.
God I hate those steps. I’ve had to carry so many things up and down those stairs so many times in my life. You should have seen the trouble we had getting my bed down there when I was living with them. I don’t really mind all that much being tapped for heavy lifting. I know I’m big. I know I’m well suited for slave labor. I used to feel bad because I weighed so much, but I came to the realization yesterday that it would be impossible for me to weigh 150 lbs.
When I was 15, I got really sick and lost over 30 lbs. I was weighing only 170. I was so thin that my hip bones were sticking out through my skin. There are a lot of people out there that would kill to weigh that much, but they are all the skinny fucks. I’ll gladly give you 20 lbs if you want. Just tell me how I’m supposed to do it.
I went to Brian’s last night for WWE. When I got there I was a little nervous because I only saw one car. I wasn’t sure if it was still going on or not. Afterwards I watched them play MLB Slugfest 2003. It’s actually a rather cool game.
I’m not that big of a fan of Baseball. My games are Hockey and Football, and I don’t normally follow the teams in the regular season. I kinda wish that I did. All the guys that I work with like to talk about sports and I just have no opinion.
When I got home last night my temperature was 100.9, which means that it had to have been way higher when I was at work. I couldn’t walk straight, I nearly passed out, my vision got blurry, and I was having a hard time concentrating. I really wish that I could have gone home and laid in bed. Instead I just stuck it out. It makes me sad that if I was home early from work there is nobody that would come visit me.
I really miss having that someone with whom I can just relax. I wish I had someone that I could tell all the events of my day (and have them actually care) I do have people that care about me. I’m not saying that no one does. The friends that I keep are all good friends, and I feel blessed for having them, but I’m looking for something more I can’t keep looking to Kali for that feeling. She does the job way too well, but I feel pathetic for being in love with my ex-fiance.
I’m really broke this week. I need to make my money last as long as it can. I get paid Thursday though, so I guess I’m not in that much trouble. I’m almost out of gas. I just picked up 2 packs of cigarettes. I need to keep paying off my mom. I want to have the pride of being able to say that if I was to want to move out tomorrow than I would be able to. I’m not going to actually do anything until I am 100% sure that I can make it on my own. I have about a month left before I’m unemployed again. It’s going to suck to go job hunting again.
The only reason I got the job that I have now is by the grace of Larry Redwood. I didn’t get any call backs from the places I applied at on my own. Anybody know of any good job openings? I have till March 30th. At least I should be eligible for unemployment. I don’t intend to really make use of it, but it will be nice to have some income while I look for a job.
I had fun over Christmas Vacation. I am not comfortable not working. I Have to have a job. If I get comfortable being free than I’m afraid that I’ll never get out there and hunt, and I don’t think I’ll get enough from unemployment to pay off all my bills. I need to get ready for work now. Kali woke me up this morning, so I didn’t get a chance to write anything before she called and didn’t do it last night because I was feeling so sick. Oh well, time to put another day under my belt.
Okay, Yesterday I went over to Ken & Christin’s. I’ve been running myself to the brink all weekend, and I just wanted for one day to sit back and relax with some of my really good friends. I was going to allow myself to have a good time, I wasn’t going to let myself feel like I needed something more.
We played a game of Magic. Lee had 2 howling mines out in the early game. I only had 3 land and they were all swamps. (I was playing a black and green deck) By the time I got my first Forrest, I knew I was about to start kicking ass. I was still at 20, and I had saved some land-drawing cards. Unfortunatly this was about the time when everybody decided to take a bite out of my small army of thrulls.
In the end, Lee managed to take us all out in one turn. It was a crappy game for me, but I had a good time. Christin and I went up to Hot and Now to get food. It’s odd because I’m not used to having Christin in my car. Usually if we ever go anywhere we take her car, (come to think of it, I don’t go to all that many places with her)
Lizzards are more interesting than the Grammy’s. Gwen Stefanni just plain sucks live. I used to like No Doubt and always thought that had I the chance, I would go see them, but from the two live shows I’ve seen her perform, I’m not so sure. I hate it when I get fake files off of Kazaa. One of these will be the song I’m looking for.
I lost my pack of cigarettes. I had one at Hot & Now, and that’s the last place I remember. It sucked because that was my last pack, and now I’m broke and I didn’t plan on buying more this week. (I’m stupid) Somehow, I was overdrawn last week. That means I had a $28 fine applied. Stupid Standard Federal. I need to change banks or something.
My bank account still has both mine and Melissa’s name on it. Which mean if she ever got really vindictive and she knew the account number. (Which she won’t and doesn’t) she could really fuck with my $34. If that ever happened though, I’d just report my car stollen. (lol, her car is registered to my name, because it was cheaper. She’ll have to change it in May)
At 10 I went home and watched Dead Zone with my brother. At 11:30, kali called me. I went and picked her up and we hung out. It’s been nice to spend a little more time with her than our phone calls and lunches, but of course, it’s confusing. It’s hard to try to tell myself that I don’t love her, when I am surrounded by all the reasons I do. She called me again this morning. I would have really liked to have gone out there today and see her again, but I have stuff I wanted to do. Stuff I should probably go do.
I just remembered. We went to Neutral Grounds too… You have to have a key to get in the bathrooms so I stood outside the bathrooms as people went. I felt like the keyguard.
When we last left our intrepid hero he was finishing up his live journal.
Next, realizing that he needed to change the load of laundry. It is about this time that the reader should come to the realization that the protagonist of this particular post is in himself the author, so for sake of clarity, the author will now switch into first person mode. “Cogito ergo sum”
When I was downstairs I decided that it was time to do my first of what I hope will become regular exercising. It was kinda a pain in the ass, because we don’t have enough weights to keep the right amount on all the little place that there are to put them. I swear I think I got more of a workout trying to set it up for the next workout I had to do than actually doing them. All I have as far as proper literature is this stupid poster that came with the weight bench. I did the first session, a little bit of tai-chi to relax, and even though I wasn’t technically supposed to do it, I did the second session as well. I’m not going to do it today. I’ll do one session probably every other day or so from here on out.
Unfortunately it’s not one of those things that you can get bored and do it a whole lot for one day. That is actually bad for you. After I was done, I still had that adrenaline surge, and it was at that time of the day when it had stopped snowing and hadn’t even really gotten good yet, I went rollerblading. I skated to Venoy and back. (about 1.5 miles) I can’t wait till it gets warmer and I can go back and do my laps in Garden City park. It’s relaxing to feel that breeze going in your face on a really warm summer day. (Aren’t I evil? I’m making you all think of summer.)
I didn’t really do much the whole day. When it started snowing really bad and the roads were pretty much at their worst, that was when I decided that I wanted to go out driving. I don’t really like sitting at home, because when I’m home I’m invariably on my computer. While that can be an acceptable thing at times, I did that way too much when I lived in the apartment, and I’m afraid of being like that again. Andy and I had talked and decided we were going to meet up after he got off work. Raychel contacted me to see what was up, so I told her to meet me at Cole’s at 9. I figure I’d just tell anyone that wanted to hang out to all meet up at the same place. I only talked to those two.
I got to Cole’s first. I chose the seat by the window. Being a worshiper of chaos, I am intrigued by snow. I wanted to be able to see outside. The waitress said she was going to bring me a coffee, but wasn’t quite sure. I’m not that often at Cole’s at that time of the night. Usually my waitress is Lucy. She knows what I drink. (So do pretty much all the staff at Denny’s) Dan and Raychel arrived next.
It was getting past nine by now and Andy hadn’t arrived yet, so we ordered. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but since they were both ordering breakfast food, I decided on the omelette. (they have omelette’s in a can. I saw it in Florida) Andy finally got there and we all hung out. I gave Andy my pancakes. I wasn’t going to eat them. (although they sound good right now) Dan went home and the rest of us continued to hang out.
We dropped off Andy’s car at my house and we drove around in my car. We got lost in that subdivision across cherry hill. We went to the Citgo for something to drink. They were re-modeling. It blew my mind. I’ve been so used to it looking a certain way for years and now they’ve opened it up. The guy says he wants to put a pool in, Raychel thinks he should get a hot tub, but I agree that a Olympic sized swimming pool with 300 degree water would have an effect on the type of customers that visit a shitty corner gas station.
This was all occurring while Andy waited in the car. poor Andy. (did he ever pay me back for that Amp? I can’t remember) I was glad that I got to hang out with Raychel. I never would of had a conversation about swimming pools in gas stations, had the clerk not been trying to hit on her. He’s a guy. That’s what guys do, or so I’m told. Now keep in mind that we were in the middle of a snow storm.
I have a little car and it really likes to slide in inclimate weather, My windshield wipers suck, and they were frozen so I tried to fix them. I didn’t think to turn them off. I tried to clear off the ice when the whole blade flipped on me. I bent it a little. I need to get some new wipers.
So I have zero viability, and the roads are horrible. No one in their right mind would be out on the streets. So traffic wasn’t as bad for us idiots. I was driving down this street that apparently comes to a dead end. I saw the playground equipment off to the side and thought it was odd. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with that picture, when Raychel said “Don’t go straight” All I managed to get out was “Why?” before I hit the curb. There really was no way to avoid it by that point anyway, and I couldn’t have been going more that 15 mph. No real damage. I just felt stupid as we turned around and drove by the guy that was blowing his snow around. (in the middle of a snow storm)
We dropped off Raychel and then it was just 2. We drove around for a bit more. My back started really hurting me. It was getting hard to pay attention to the road I was in so much pain. Andy was hungry, so we went to the second dinner of the night. This time it was the GC Cafe. I just had a coffee. I got to play with his Zaurus. I need to get a PDA as soon as I can justify spending the money to myself.
I’ve been drinking way to much coffee the past few days and I had a Jolt in the car. I was feeling the effects of too much caffeine. After we left we went back to my place and crashed out. I couldn’t sleep and ended up laying in bed for about 2 hours. I woke up at 9:30. My brother made a comment about seeing me before 12, my reply was, how would he know. He’s at school whenever I wake up. Aside from the weekends.
I played some Gauntlet today. It’s been a really long time since I’ve played that game. I got a little farther. Andy H. slept till really late. We hung out for a bit, he helped me set up my server for php. (I still have to finish it) I shoveled the snow. It’s really good snow. I wonder if Kali is trying to make a snowman. We’ve made some good ones, but we would always talk about it more than we’d do it. (the color from skittles melts into the snow, it looks cool) It’s now 4:05, I’m hungry, I have nothing to do, and I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t much care for Operation Ivy.
Snow is nature’s anti-napalm
Okay, I decided I would write a little bit now, so I’m not as overwhelmed later on tonight when I have to remember exactly what has happened to
We’re supposed to get a lot of snow tonight. God I love
We went to
There are so many things about
So now you all know that I spend
So now I’m sitting in
Now I have a
There’s no snow yet. I don’t think we’ll get any.
Sometime I wish I knew what was wrong with
I know I’m hopeless
Good Evening people that choose to read about my life. I woke up this morning to what sounded like somebody vacuuming in the loft (although knowing the acoustics of this house it could have been downstairs) I woke up and wrote my Live Journal entry for the day. (Yesterday’s post) After I was done posting, Melissa called me. We talked for a bit, and then it was decided that I would go see her for lunch. She usually has to give me about a half hour to get ready, but we were running slightly ahead of schedule, so I was on my computer a bit before I left. I was listening to some country music. (I’ve been trying to broaden my musical horizons by forcing myself to listen to and enjoy different types of music.) Sound carries so freaking well in this house, so if I’m up here listening to music, (which I always am) you can hear it rather clearly downstairs.
So my mom heard my recent choice in songs and accused me of stealing her playlist. These were all song that she enjoyed for once. I went outside for a cigarette with my mom and we talked for a bit before I had to run off to go see Melissa. She hadn’t gotten her check yet, so I was going to pay. (We do this all the time and it usually balances out fairly closely (or at last close enough that we never really care))
When I got there we had to wait till her co-worker got back. I got to see the back of her office. For as many times as I’ve been there I’ve only been in a handful of rooms. She had gotten her check, and I remembered that I was broke and am supposed to be living a modest life this week, so we went to get her check cashed. Afterwards we went to Amigo’s. I ordered the Quesedeas again. (No guacamole) I had leftovers that I was going to take to work, but I forgot the box on the table. Even though we’ve been there a lot and have had this waitress before, I don’t think she recognized us. She was treating us like it was our first time there. (directing us to the cash register) She was also being really fake. Ultra-nice, really helpful, customer voice.
While these are all good qualities for a waitress to have, It came off as a bit unsettling. I love the almost telepathic connection that we have together. After the waitress walked away, we both knew that we were thinking the same things about her. She ended up picking up the bill with me throwing in a dollar for tip. (Meaning that the next time, or some time in the future, it will be my turn, although we never get that anal about it (bet ya didn’t think I couldn’t be not anal, did ya?)) On the way back to drop her off, I started to get a little messed up emotionally. Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just really depressed and sad pretty much the whole day and you spend most of it right there on the verge of breaking down. That’s where I was for most of the day today. (Ever since last night)
We said our good byes. I was really bad by this point. I went back homewards and picked up Dave and Larry. Dave was wearing glasses today. It looked odd. When we got to work, most of the trucks had already gotten there and were done already. It was like that most of the day. We got almost done really early. We always have those late trucks that hold us back from officially saying “There ain’t shit left to do” It really sucks trying to hold yourself back from crying at work. (Like I said, it was one of those days)
There was this really good looking girl there today and everyone was pretty much ogling her the whole time. (Even I took notice) Turn’s out she is related to Rob (One of Justin and Brian’s friends) They were both trying, but Brian is a dirty little whore and Justin is his protege. I admire that in them. I could never do it myself, but I have got to give them credit. I’ll bet they never sit in Denny’s all by themselves and never talk to anyone.
I went out to lunch with Rob, Justin, and Bluff. I’m making progress. I’m becoming a little bit more sociable. One of these days I need to throw away all of my rules and just go out there and be totally out going. I tried to call Megan at about 9:30, but I got the voice mail. I didn’t leave a message. When I got off work I decided to try and hunt Dan-O down.
I wanted to go over to Ken & Christin’s, but I knew I wouldn’t be there the whole night and I would be looking for something to do afterwards and if I didn’t get a hold of him right off the bat, I never would. I stopped at his house and found out he was at work. I went up to his work and talked to him. He said he would most likely be home at 12:30 so I should call Ram’s Horn and if he wasn’t there than I should go to his house. I got the number and left.
It’s about 11:08 when I get to Ken & Christin’s. Everyone was saying I was late, but I think that was more of a matter of me not getting out of work early rather than what I did beforehand. One of the most interesting things about talking to someone who stays current on all my posts is that it saves me the time of trying to explain what I’ve been up to since they’ve seen me last and we can move right on to the next logical step, because they already know more than I would be able to say had they asked “How’ve you been”
Candice didn’t stay very long. I played a game of Magic on the floor with Ken. He won. I hung out there till 12:30 when I called Ram’s Horn. Dan-O had already left. I stopped home first before I went over there. I wanted to see if there were any messages for me of any sort. There never are. I also called Megan back. This time I left a message. I recorded it 3 times. The first time I said “Um” way too many times. The second time, I stumbled over my words and stopped it right there. The third time I got it right. (Or at least right enough that I wasn’t going to fuck with it anymore.) I waited around a little bit when the phone rang.
It was her boyfriend. He wanted to know who was calling her. He said she left her phone over there, it must have fallen out of her pants. I explained who I was. He explained that he was checking to make sure it wasn’t an emergency. Something felt a little odd about the conversation, but perhaps that’s just my paranoia talking. Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, I would still like to meet her, although I somehow have the feeling that it’s not going to happen. I’m going to lay off the calling now. She has my number and if she is interested she will call me, if not, oh well, it was worth the try.
I’m actually a bit glad that she has a boyfriend if I ever do get to meet her. All I am looking for is a chance to talk, and maybe regain her as a friend, but the thought of attempting a relationship with her did intrigue me. (Although I knew that the chances of that were so slim that I shouldn’t get my hopes up) I hope she still calls me back. I need a propper epilogue for that chapter of my life. I want to know who she turned in to. Maybe I’ll try again in a couple years. Nevertheless, this will go down in history as a very important time. “The time I called up and talked to Megan”
I’m glad I’ve been keeping records. I’m sure in a few years I’ll be very interested to go back and read what happened on these few days. I never read my old posts, so the things I have said, I don’t remember. (ironic that the purpose of this whole project is to help me remember) I wen’t do Dan-o’s to go hang out with him. (It’s about 1 by now) He wasn’t home. Figures, I have the hardest time trying to catch up with him and I didn’t have any other options. It really pisses me off because I just know that there was tons of cool shit that happened tonight and I missed all of it.
Where are they? And more importantly, what is it going to take to get myself invited? So it’s still rather early (by my standards) on a Friday night and I have this burning desire to do something, anything. So I go to Denny’s and sit all by myself and don’t talk to anybody. At least there, there is the possability of some random coolness befalling me. It never happens, but at least the odd are slightly higher than they would have been had I gone straight home. There was this group of kids about my age sitting at a table not too terribly far from me. I wanted so badly to go over there and join their conversation, but how exactly do you go about that. I am capable of only random acts of wierdness, that’s about all I have in me, and that only holds an interest for so long. I needed backup. I need to make friends or at least hang out with an overly outgoing person.
I need someone who can put me in the right situation were I can use my unique social skills to their fullest extent. Instead I just sit there and drink cup after cup of coffee. One of these day’s I hope to be able to do it. Or at least find someone that can make me do it. I went home and started writing in my Journal. That would bring us up to about now. Also, Melissa called me. I wonder what she wanted. It’s a little too late to call her back now, but it’s making me nervous. (”What if it was an emergency?”) I should call her tomarrow morning and see what she wanted.
I also have something else to do, but I’m not sure if I’m quite ready yet/anymore. I need to talk to Dave. I need to sit down with him in a neutral situation and get to know him. The reason I have been reluctant to do this previously is I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to control my emotions. I’ve made a little (a very little) progress in the past 8 months, but I know to see the two of them together, to have to sit across from him and look him straight in the eyes and try to be happy for them, to try to accept his place in her life, to try to hide all the feelings I have, to not feel the loss, to not let anger overtake me, and to not say anything that will disturb him, is going to hurt like a bitch. I will break down and start crying.
I cry way too much. I’ll admit it. I also cry really easily around Melissa. She makes me feel comfortable enough that I can let go like that around her. I hate it and I always try my hardest to hold it back. Once I get going, I can do it quite well. It’s always so debilitating, and so draining. I’m not sure if I have quite a strong enough will to withstand the worst that a confrontation such as that could offer. Still, it is one of the things that I have to get done. The trick is getting him to agree to meet me. I am hopeless arn’t I? I’m still, 8 months later, 100% in love with my ex girlfriend.
All told, it takes me about 2 hours to go visit her at her work. I do it all the time, and I love every minute of it. I love hearing her talk about her day. I love hearing her tell the story of how she almost set her car on fire. (That’s what you get when you roll your own cigarette (although I burnt up my interior on the way home from Denny’s today when my cigarette flew back in my window))
I love it when she calls me. I love seeing the light in her eyes when she’s excited about something. I love all these things about her, and that’s why it really hurts when I have to force myself to think “this is wrong” or when I think that she is exactly what I find myself out night after night searching for. I hate that she is so close and I can’t touch her. I hate feeling proud that she gets along with my family, and then I remember that she is not my wife, and chances are she never will be.
I hate that someday I’ll have to say goodbye. I hate that that day was months ago, but I never did it. I hate that I can’t even go a week without needing to see her. I’m getting really bad again. I was doing good, then i lost my will to fight against it. I hope Dave treats her well. I hope he never forgets how special she is. I hope he never forgets how lucky he is to have her love. I know I curse myself everyday for ever allowing myself to forget these things.
I am trully fucked up, and I just wanted you all to know that. I really wish I could find a way to move on. I’m really sorry to anyone that becomes involved with me. I have some major issues, and they won’t be resolved that easily. It’s going to be hard to find anyone who is willing to put up with my shit. The truth is, I don’t really mind all that much being single. It certainally is a lot more liberated. I never really felt the need to go “Out with the guys” when I was with her. Anything I wanted to do, I didn’t see why she shouldn’t come along as well. I want to be with my friends… well she is my best friend, so why not have her included.
Ahh, If only I could have a second chance. If only we could start over. If only we could go back to dating, but not living together. Things are so much different now. I feel like so many of the weights have been taken off my sholders since all this happened. It’s going to really suck when I lose my job. Oh well. “When life hands you lemons, you clone them, and make super-lemons”
Ahhh, yesterday was such an interesting day. I woke up fairly early. 11 o’clock came around and Melissa hadn’t called me yet. I know there was no law that stated that she had to call me, but she has every day for the past week (and the weeks before) I just felt a little off because I was looking forward to talking to her.
At about 11:30 the phone rang for me. I assumed it was Melissa, It was Candice. She needed the money for my mom’s candlelight order. My mom gave me the check and I left to go drop it off. I decided to go up to her work instead of trying to just leave the check with her mom. I talked with her manager and her for a little bit and then left.
I went to Bo Rick’s and got a haircut. My last haircut was Christmas eve. I’ve been on the fence about haircuts. After I shaved my head this summer, I decided that when I grew my hair back out I was going to grow it long again. I’m not sure anymore if I’m quite up for that still. I picked up the money I owed my mom and went back home to take care of my general grooming needs.
It was such a beautiful day. I wanted to go rollerblading, but I never got around to it. We just got the new weight bench, and Jeff was showing me how to use it. I’ll probably get around to it eventually. I would like to get in a little better shape.
I stopped at Hot & Now for lunch before I picked up Larry and Dave. We got new ID’s today. My picture didn’t turn out all that bad. I usually take horrible pictures. See I never got around to calling Megan again. I meant to, but I was really busy there at the end. I will call her again tonight. As soon as I actually talk to her I can lay off, but I’ve only called twice, and left a message. I really hope she agrees to meet me. I think it would be very interesting. I hope I can make a good impression. I tend to scare people off. It’s really something I need to work on.
I hung out with Melissa after work. She aranged to have a night away from Dave, so we got to hang out. We went and drived down Hines Dr. We almost ended up in Northville, but I diverted and I went through Plymouth. We stopped at the Kroger’s to pick up a pop when I had a disturbing thought. There was a very high liklyhood that that was the place where Megan worked. I started freaking out. While I would like to see her, that would not have been the best time. To have the first time we see each other after all this time, and I’m accompanied by my ex-girlfriend. (The person who will be responsible for ruining any relationship I ever try to have.)
I tried to drive through Miller, but this woman came out and was staring at me, so I turned around and left. We went back to my house and watched Smallville. That used to be our thing. We used to watch the Smallville episodes together. It’s kinda lost a bit of it’s flavor this season. It doesn’t feel right to watch them for the first time without her. We only watched one episode before she had to go. I burned her a cd with some of my old games and then took her home.
When I dropped her off, she went to give me a hug, I refused, I was going through a lot right then and that would have set me over the edge. It really sucks that she does such a good job at being my best friend. I want to get over her, but I havn’t even been able to stay away from her. (Granted, she has been calling me, but I havn’t told her to stop calling yet. (Because I want her to call))
After I dropped her off, I went to Cole’s and sat there for a little bit, alone. When I went home I wasn’t able to sleep. (Too much coffee) I eventually got some sleep, and now here I am, and here I shall be for a few more minutes, and then I’ll get up and do something.
Ahhh. The Live Journal server is finally back up. I’ve pretty much been waiting all night. Granted I could have been working on this post, but I didn’t think of that until it was too late.
Last things first. I went over to Dan-O’s house, but he wasn’t there so I came home at 11. I talked to Raych and Mike online, and I mostly just stared off into space.
First things Second (Actually a re-hash) I talked to Melissa for over an hour on the phone today. I’m letting my defenses get way too lax lately. I really enjoy hanging out with her and wish I could get more than our lunches and phone calls. (I will) Speaking of phone calls, Second and Fourth things Third and Fourth respectively. I called up Megan today. I came to the conclusion the other day that I should get a hold of her. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen her and I am really curious as to how she’s changed in the past 8-9 years since I’ve seen her last.
I only have one picture of her left. It was the class picture thing that they gave to you in fourth grade. My picture was next to her’s that year and I ripped it out and saved it. I still carry it in my wallet. I used to also have her third grade picture (which was in my opinion the better picture) but I lost it somewhere over the years. (The funny thing is I can remember when I lost it. I wonder if I’m getting any better)
Anyways, back to the phone call. I had to dial and call before I could stop myself. I expected to fail. Chances were, her parent’s number had changed so I had no way of knowing that she had moved to North Carolina with her husband and 3 year old girl where she was prostituting herself for crack. I know it’s an extreme case, but a lot can happen in 9 years. Even if they hadn’t moved, I figured that there was a fairly good chance that she might have moved, so I would be talking to her mother.
I remember her mother because she was always a volunteer for all the field trips and what-not. I called, asked if it was the Moore residence, it was. (Okay the number was right) then I said “I know this is a bit of a long shot, but you wouldn’t happen to know how I could get a hold of Megan” That’s when I discovered that I was talking to Megan. I instantly froze. I wasn’t prepared to actually talk to her. I just wanted to find out which college she was at (or prison (hey, it could happen)) and then take a good 5 or so years to build up the nerve to go the next step.
So here I am, on the phone with the girl that I spent 4 or 5 years completely in love with. (or the 21 year old version of that little 11 year old girl) I tried to get what I wanted to say out, but I’m sure I made a complete ass out of myself. To make matters worse, I find out that she’s a midnighter and here I am calling at noon. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call around 9.
I go to work. Nothing really truly spectacular happened. It was really hot. I have been wearing my jacket because it was freezing on the dock, but now that they have the heat working, it gets a little too hot. At nine I took my lunch. I went upstairs to use the phone. I had been freaking out about this all day, but I figure “Hey, I’ve come this far” I never use the phones at work. After 3 or 4 attempts I got it to dial. Voice mail. hang up. wait a minute. call. voice mail. hang up.
I knew that I should leave a message, but I didn’t know what. I didn’t have my phone number memorized, so I went out to my car to get my phone. I called one last time, and left a message. I messed up once and had to re-do, I’m sure if I sounded bad at noon, I sounded absolutely horrible on a voice mail. I need to get another cell phone. You can call me at work, you can try to catch me at home, but chances are you won’t, or I don’t want you calling then. Your best bet to get a hold of me is to IM me a message. My AIM is always online and unless something happens, I’ll get it eventually. (Although I rarely respond to those sort of messages)
I was a little reluctant to give her my AIM address. First off, it pegs me as a tremendous dork. Second, I have a link to my web site in my aim profile. I have a link to my live journal on my web site. The combined Web site/Live Journal experience can be quite overwhelming to the uninitiated, and is a sure-fire way to scare anybody off. So I still haven’t really talked to her. I want to meet her somewhere. (I’d say Cole’s or it’s ilk) I want to see what she looks like now. I want to see what she is like, I want to find out she’s not living in North Carolina with her husband and 3 year old girl where she is prostituting herself for crack. (I can eliminate a few of those items already)
I’m not looking for anything from her. (Although that definitely would be interesting) I just want to have my picture of the universe a bit more complete, face my biggest fears, and possibly make a new friend. (or conversely, make myself question for the rest of my life what I ever saw in her.) I really hope she gives me a chance to talk. I’m terrified that by now she has begun to remember who Dan Renfer was. (and wants nothing to do with me) Ha! Live Journal is down again. <3:48>
Morning all. I’m actually up before Kali called me today. I’m not sure if she is going to call, but if she does than I was up before she called. Actually I was up a bit earlier, but I went back to sleep.
Happy Chaoflux. I need to celebrate by cleaning up something. The area that I dwell in. (My room, car, in front of my computer) have built up quite a bit of entropy. You can definitely tell that someone has been here. I’m not that messy, but I do generate mess. I’ve gotten so much better from the days of the apartment.
Towards the end there, I wanted so badly to keep my place clean. I couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I tried that place was just too far gone. That was why I am glad I’ve been given this chance to start over. I’m back living with my mother. I am paying her quite a bit every month and I owe her quite a bit more, but this is giving me the opportunity to relax a little bit. I was strung rather tight towards the end. I was terrified to do anything that I enjoyed. I spent far too much time worrying about how I was going to pay my bills. (but not enough, I never paid them)
I’ve been a little more free now. I have a job that makes me so much more than LJS, I don’t have any of the misc. apartment expenses, and I’m single now. If I want to go to the bar and order a baccardi and coke, no ice, I can. I never would have let myself do that back then. I think this had a tiny bit to do with our problem.
It’s not that Dave was spending more money than I was, It’s just he was willing to do the fun things while I was sitting at home paranoid about spending money (and somehow at the same time blowing way too much of it ( I’m still encountering this problem))
Last night I went through my AIM list and searched for the LiveJournals of some of the people I had on my list, so if you see your name on my list and it wasn’t there yesterday, that is why. Dave (The guy I work with) has been having trouble with his checks. They haven’t been sending them to him and he had to go to Adecco to have a new one sent. At around 4:30 (smack dab in the middle of our rush time, I was doing MIS-P19) He asked if I could drive him up there to pick up his check.
I really didn’t want to, but I’m a nice guy, so I asked Steve if I could leave. He said no. This was fine with me, I didn’t want to take a lunch at 4:30, that’s just stupid. I asked him again at 8:00, but he said that Justin had just punched out and I had to wait till he came back. Justin borrowed my bowl off me. When Justin got back from lunch I had just started OHS-P01 (”Ohio One”) I knew that the party store wouldn’t be open forever, and I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. I asked Stevo if I could take my lunch again (This is the third time now) He said no. I needed to finish my truck first. (Kali just called me, it took up 62:36 of my time)
While I was working, Shaun said he would take Dave up to the party store, so I was off the hook. I finished, and did a few more things and decided I wasn’t going to take a lunch after all. I just punched out near the end and punched back in a half hour later, so I “worked” through my lunch break. (There isn’t all that much work at that time of the night)
It was Tuesday, so I went to Candice’s house. Things went well I guess. She was really tired so she kicked me out at midnight. John said I should stop by Dan-O’s so I swung by there, but no one came to the door. I went home and messed around on the computer. I played with the Quizilla questions, as you can see from my previous posts. I went to sleep a little later than I had planned. I woke up early, but slept till late. (I know Candice, you wish you could sleep in as late as me, but I’m just that damn special) (Melissa is a Unitarian Universalist)
She wanted me to come out to lunch, I really wanted to, but I decided that I was going to use today to catch up on some of the things I needed to get done. I’m not going to get anything done, and should have just gone out there. I’ll see her tomorrow. I hope she does really well at her interview. She will, she always gets hired at (if not before) her interviews.
I need a new job. I love my job, but there is a very good chance I will be laid off shortly. I should start looking for a better job. FedEx is such a step up from the jobs I’ve had before, but I could go further. I want a job where I can afford to move back out on my own. (Which is the new focus in my life, I need to get myself prepared to rejoin life as an independent individual.) I can’t find half my receipts. I don’t know where I spent all that money. Damn you duck! I need to take a shower and go do something, instead of sitting here and typing. Now that I try to think about it, I’m not really sure what I was planning to do. Oh well… Happy Chaoflux!
What Type of High School Stereotype Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
This one wasn’t very close. I guess it’s like astronomy. I whole load of crap. Oh well. I don’t care.
Thank you stupid php script. Now tell me something I don’t know. Like how many bricks are in the great pyramid. I’ve always wanted to know that
Okay… I’ve been sitting here for a few seconds, but I was eating so I guess that’s a valid excuse for not beginning to type. I woke up at 11 when Kali called me. We talked for a bit and then I went up there. We went to Wendy’s.
I’m sorry. I just can’t do this right now. I’m going to lay in bed and probably fall asleep, but if that happens I’ll write tomorrow. Oh. Happy Chaoflux by the way.
